One thing I think the end of 2017 has revealed to me: I’m finding my voice again.
For the longest time I had SO much anxiety over posting anything on social media. A previous relationship had convinced me that I shared too much, that nothing I said mattered, that I looked silly, that I shouldn’t think the things I do, I shouldn’t talk about the way I love Jesus so much… “What will people think?” “No one will ever love Jesus as much as you do.” “No one will ever be interested in these things. Why do you love such silly things so much?” Etc… And I realized this year that hearing that over and over really did a number on me and make me scared to speak. It’s a battle I’m constantly having to overcome.
If you’ve made it this far, I’m honestly shocked. The holiday season is exhausting for me, but it is my favorite time of the year too. This is JUST the Christmas celebration portraits. I haven’t even talked about the birthdays.
My birthday is 2 days after Christmas. We celebrated eating Indian food. It was SO good! And then 2 days after my birthday is my Aunt Fay and my cousin Luke’s birthday. And then 2 days after that is Mama’s birthday AND it’s New Years Eve.
Christmas time is hard. It’s a whirlwind, but I’m thankful for these people in my life and I’m thankful for such a large family.
I’m thankful for my crew and for everyone that has helped me with this house. We’re not out of the woods with it yet, but we are getting closer every time we work together. And everyday, despite whatever crippling emotion I’m having at the time from all the stress, I know God’s in it. I know He’s teaching me. I know it’s gonna work out. It might not be my timing, but it will be His and that’s all that matters.
So my heart’s racing because I’m thinking, “This is too weird. Is this a proposal? Did he lie about where the ring was?!?! What if we’re really just hanging out and I get all excited and it doesn’t happen? Surely he is not going to be this mean. He knows not to play fast and lose with me especially about marriage/engagement related things. I can’t handle it.”
My job is to focus on Jesus. My job in our relationship is to lift Asa up. My job is to pray for him always. My job is to be his best friend and to love him. Race things at the end of the day don’t matter. People will believe what they want. People will say what they want. As long as I know where I stand with Jesus, everything will turn out okay.