I have been so behind on creating this post. This past week has been so hard for me for multiple reasons. None of which I’m specifically comfortable going on a public level about so for the sake of privacy and sanity, I’m keeping it private. I’ve had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. A lot of “talk downs” from Tristan, my parents, and Asa. It’s so dangerously close to Christmas, and I’ve been overwhelmed by to-do lists, anxiety, and fear.
Needless to say, crying is my new thing. Waterproof mascara is my beauty essential. I don’t think there’s a foundation in the world created to withstand the floodgate that is attached to my face, so I don’t even try.
I’ve been afraid of not getting my to-do list done by a deadline. Which is a big one for me. I am a planner. I like lists. I like checking things off and moving forward. But to be honest and 100% transparent I’ve had fear of not making enough money to be able to afford finishing the house or being able to afford a wedding… Etc. And by wedding, I’m not meaning some elaborate thing. I want simple. I want stress free. Anything flashy, showy, or that REMOTELY sounds like it could cause me any stress or drama is out. I don’t want it. And all of that goes for my house too. I just want zero drama.
And in reality I know the money is there. I know it will come. I’ve been diligent, praying, and asking for God to send me work and to help me recognize the opportunities He brings my way and to have wisdom with those opportunities. And He does. He is faithful even when I am not faithful. I know God provides because He has been providing for me every step of the way. I could tell you THOUSANDS of wild stories where God’s provided for me. But all of that is easier said than believed when you’re going through the thick of it and you’re hearing all these voices of discouragement in your head saying, “It ain’t gonna happen. How’s this gonna happen? You’re gonna finish your house, and get married within 5 months? HA!”
Isn’t it wild how God can do amazing things for us, and then when stress hits again, in that moment we sometimes totally forget how amazing and capable He is? Or is it just me? Cause I lose my mind and turn into an blubbering idiot, almost every time it feels like.
This does not mean I am labeled a doubter. This does not mean I don’t trust Him. This does mean I am human. This does mean I have struggles. This does mean I am learning and growing. This does mean I am a child of the King.
Even Jesus himself in the garden of Gethsemane struggled! God himself in the form of man wept and had so much agony from stress, he sweat BLOOD. Jesus Christ experienced hematidrosis while praying in the garden of Gethsemane before his crucification. That is insane.
“And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” Luke 22:44
So I think if anyone understands my humanity, the battle of overcoming it, and needing help from the Father, it would be Jesus.
When you walk through the fire with Him… stuff gets real. FAST. Any honest, true believer, devoted Christ follower, loving Christian worth their salt will tell you that it’s not all peaches and cream walking with Jesus. There’s a whole lot of humility, fear, and worry with learning to trust God. Even when He’s done miraculous things in the past, and you KNOW He will be right there with you through the fire again… It’s hard. And because it’s hard, doesn’t make you any more or less of a Christian. It just means where your at is hard. It’s growing pains. The process is hard. The journey is hard and it’s harder when you don’t include Jesus in your journey, or when you forget that He wants to be included in your journey. We have to constantly invite Him into our situations and say, “Okay God. I’m here. Here is this thing. Help me to surrender. Help me to learn and to trust You during this time. It sucks and I hate it, but here’s where I’m at with it. Help me.”
But anyways, I’m getting off topic. I never started this post with the intention of getting that deep into my personal walk with Christ or being that transparent about it.
Maybe I will make a blog post going in-depth about it and about all the drama I have going on in my head one day, but I really want to get to the details of Construction Saturday.
This post is about last week’s Construction Saturday. Last Saturday I woke up to Daddy revving a chainsaw outside of my window getting ready to cut a tree down. This tree has been looking crazy dangerous and shady now for years, and we were all starting to get paranoid it was going to fall on someone’s vehicle(especially Asa’s), so the day finally came for it to come down.
Asa couldn’t be there that morning because he’s been having to work Saturdays lately. Which is sad, because I miss him terribly and it’s something I’ve been trying hard to gracefully adjust to. Plus it’s difficult because he’s genuinely a God-send when it comes to construction. I’m insanely proud of him. His long arms, strength, persistence, level-head, and height seriously helps SO much on construction days. And he has a calming presence for me, and I need that because I’m everything but calm. Plus he’s really good at following instructions, which is a trait I feel like is in short supply these days.
But instead of going all out on the house first thing that morning, Tony, Mama, and I decided to help Daddy clear the driveway. Which I enjoyed a lot. It was fun working as a team doing something different. And then afterwards, to my surprise, Daddy stayed that Saturday and helped us build the house. He’s usually doing ministry work or running his business, so it’s a lucky day when he can help me work on my house. Which was a God-send because he’s incredible at building things and the more fellas around with the muscle and the know-how, the better.
One thing that I think I really underestimated when I said I wanted to build my house was my own muscle strength.
I am not very strong in the arms. I’m not exactly weak, but it is not as easy for me to lift things like I thought it would be. If this house teaches me anything at all, I think it’s that: I need help. A lot of help. I CAN NOT do this by myself.
And that’s okay. That’s where the true blessing comes in. That’s where true love comes in.
I’m thankful for my crew and for everyone that has helped me with this house. We’re not out of the woods with it yet, but we are getting closer every time we work together. And everyday, despite whatever crippling emotion I’m having at the time from all the stress, I know God’s in it. I know He’s teaching me. I know it’s gonna work out. It might not be my timing, but it will be His and that’s all that matters.
Be sure to hover over my photos or click on them. I’m gonna add some captions so you know what is going on. And if you’re curious about my photography at all you can follow me here, and here, and look here at my website.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful season of Christmas despite whatever stressful circumstances you may be facing right now. Jesus loves you. I love you. We care about you and I am praying for you. Whomever you are reading this, you matter to me and I am praying for you.
p.s. Please know that if someone else had the camera this day you would have seen me telling Tony to get off the ladder many times. Haha! I love him. He’s a crazy hard worker! I’m proud of my friend and could not have dreamed of a better person to learn from. Tony is a God-send. 100%!