One thing I think the end of 2017 has revealed to me: I’m finding my voice again.
For the longest time I had SO much anxiety over posting anything on social media. A previous relationship had convinced me that I shared too much, that nothing I said mattered, that I looked silly, that I shouldn’t think the things I do, I shouldn’t talk about the way I love Jesus so much… “What will people think?” “No one will ever love Jesus as much as you do.” “No one will ever be interested in these things. Why do you love such silly things so much?” Etc… And I realized this year that hearing that over and over really did a number on me and make me scared to speak. It’s a battle I’m constantly having to overcome.
My job is to focus on Jesus. My job in our relationship is to lift Asa up. My job is to pray for him always. My job is to be his best friend and to love him. Race things at the end of the day don’t matter. People will believe what they want. People will say what they want. As long as I know where I stand with Jesus, everything will turn out okay.
Well, after I said that… Things got weird. His whole demeanor changed. He looked sad. He looked upset. So he drops me off at our meeting place and we both went separate ways. On the way home, I cried. I cried because I knew I had said something that he didn’t want to hear and because I knew his dream was to move to Japan after he had graduated. And I cried because I knew I wasn’t going to change my mind. I couldn’t. My first ministry is my family, and that is my calling.
First of all I just want to say that I’m completely terrified. I know I’m capable, but the project is so big it overwhelms me. Building things isn’t difficult, but building things right is what makes it hard. I’ve been praying really hard about this whole project and I have peace that God’s going to help me and bring the right people along to advise, guide, pitch-in, and encourage me to do this. He already has and I trust that with Him, we can do this.
Warning: This is a long post about something me and Jesus have been working through. It’s only purpose is to brag on Him and just how good of a Father He is.