One thing I think the end of 2017 has revealed to me: I’m finding my voice again.
For the longest time I had SO much anxiety over posting anything on social media. A previous relationship had convinced me that I shared too much, that nothing I said mattered, that I looked silly, that I shouldn’t think the things I do, I shouldn’t talk about the way I love Jesus so much… “What will people think?” “No one will ever love Jesus as much as you do.” “No one will ever be interested in these things. Why do you love such silly things so much?” Etc… And I realized this year that hearing that over and over really did a number on me and make me scared to speak. It’s a battle I’m constantly having to overcome.
So my heart’s racing because I’m thinking, “This is too weird. Is this a proposal? Did he lie about where the ring was?!?! What if we’re really just hanging out and I get all excited and it doesn’t happen? Surely he is not going to be this mean. He knows not to play fast and lose with me especially about marriage/engagement related things. I can’t handle it.”
Well, after I said that… Things got weird. His whole demeanor changed. He looked sad. He looked upset. So he drops me off at our meeting place and we both went separate ways. On the way home, I cried. I cried because I knew I had said something that he didn’t want to hear and because I knew his dream was to move to Japan after he had graduated. And I cried because I knew I wasn’t going to change my mind. I couldn’t. My first ministry is my family, and that is my calling.
But as Daddy says, “If you’re not on the edge, you’re not standing close enough.”